eazydreamin

25 March 2009 @ 11:30 pm

I heart my LJ because it listens and doesn't talk back.

My dad told me tonight that I am being negative about this whole move. What he doesn't understand is that I am losing everything and gaining nothing by them moving.
They have a pretty promising offer on the house and if all goes as planned they will close on may 15 and move out within 2 weeks.
What this means:
-- My brother will be left behind. As if it's not hard enough as it is to try to get him to talk or visit we're now going to have 2,000 miles between us at the holidays
-- My roots are gone. I've always hated the Munster house. Hated everything about living in Munster. But losing my tie to Chicago is very, very hard. I have no home to go back to. Only Keith's sister will live outside Chicago and she lives with like 7987987 roommates, so I don't think we'll be staying with her.
Not that it matters anyway because during this deployment my friends have made no attempts to hang out or call or really even show they're still a part of my life. The only exception are the 3 dinners I went to with the girls, going to a bar with Becky and her husband's crew for 3 hours, and 2 hours Danny and I went shopping. combined I might've spent 17 hours with my friends. By the time I leave I will have been here for 10 months. that speaks volumes. I wish I would have gone to Bloomington more, though.

Back on point:
My parents will be 5 hours away. But if they hadn't bought the damn Anthem house (which has been nothing but financial troubles) they'd be free to go wherever they wanted.
I'm mad because I feel like my parent's just buy whatever Kathi says-- Munster house, Anthem house, Isagenix, Efusjon... whatever.
So now they're going where Kathi told them to. It makes no sense for them to go to AZ. My grandma will hate it. My sister will never go outside and my mom won't like it either.
whatever. I can't even write about it anymore.
I just feel like they've never chosen me. I want for them to choose me just once.

Whatever. It's probably better for them to go to AZ anyway. It's what my dad wants and his best friend is there.

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24 February 2009 @ 08:34 pm

(no subject)

This is where I come when I need to vent.

I feel like lately that nothing I do is good enough for me. If I do something I automatically criticize it.
If I got a B it should've been and A; if I got an A it should've been a higher A.
I've lost 25 pounds since jan of 2008. I still don't feel skinny enough. I weighed 122 this morning and when I went to the gym had a BMI of 18%. I technically have an athletic build, but I can still point out where I need to lose.
I need to graduate.
I thought I wasn't a good enough medic. I passed the practical exam for my reciprocity.
I feel like I'm not smart enough to pass A&P. I get A's on my exam, so I am sabotaging myself by coming to class late and therefore not being able to turn in homework and get docked points on the exam.
I need to save me from myself.
I just want to quit beating myself up. I want to forgive and forget the mistake I've made. I want to not stress myself out about things not being perfect.

ugh.

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20 January 2009 @ 12:44 am

Found an old survey from 2006

Welcome to "The 2006 Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends and Family". Putting 2009 in bold

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8:30ish 7:30

2. What time did you go to bed last night? 3:30ish 12:30

3. Diamonds or pearls? diamonds diamonds, though I really like pearls, too

4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I think I took a customer to see Cars Bride Wars with my sister

5.What is your favorite T.V. show? Grey's Anatomy! Well, some things don't change

6. What did you have for breakfast? frosted mini-wheats Protein shake

7. What is your middle name? April

8. Favorite cuisine? Italian stayed the same

9. What foods do you dislike? fish!!! stayed the same

10. What is your favorite chip flavor? none. yuck I'm starting to be consistent

11. What is your secret food vice? Haha... everyone knows my vice is ice cream! Anything sweet (but still ice cream)!
12. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Justin Timberlake's FutureSex/LoveSound The one Keith burned for me

13. What kind of car do you drive? Chevy Malibu still have it

14. Favorite sandwich? I eat a whole lot of PB&J but prefer turkey or roast beef wow, still eating mostly PB&J, but now alot of grilled cheese, too

15. What characteristic do you despise? liars Yep, still liars

16. Favorite item of clothing? PJ's!! haha, big surprise there, right? Keith's clothes, tank tops, flip flops, and pretty much anything not my uniform

17. If you could go anywhere in the world on a vacation? Italy, Ireland, Caymans Bora Bora, Italy, Ireland

18. What color is your bathroom? cream and purple I don't have a bathroom. My parent's bathroom is purple with the shower curtain that was in my bathroom in college when I took this survey last which I think is weird. My old bathroom in Cali was red .

19. Favorite brand of clothing? American Eagle Don't really have one anymore. I think I've gotten too old for AE

20. Where would you retire to? The Keys No idea

21. What was your most memorable birthday? My 17th... Kathi decorated my car when I was in school. Mom and dad sent me flowers, too. I love my birthday, but haven't had a really good one.

22. Favorite sport to watch? baseball love baseball

23. Furthest place you are sending this? Arizona Iraq, except I'm not "sending it"

24. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? everyone nada

25. Person you expect to send it back first? no one

26. Goal you have for yourself? Graduate college Graduate (still), go to nursing school, survive this damn deployment, get out of debt, buy a house, get a puppy, live happily ever after

27. When is your birthday? tomorrow not for another 8 1/2 months

28. What is your most memorable day? I can barely remember 5 mins ago let alone pick out a day The day I got married. I actually remember most of that day-- I can't say that about many days

29. Are you a morning person or a night person? am i a morning person if that's when I go to bed? Both now. I'm much happier when I wake in the morning now. You used to not be able to talk to me until I'd been up for a good 45 mins.

30. What is your shoe size? 8 ish

31. Your favorite shoes? flips... I need to move somewhere warm so I can wear them all the time. Flips. I'm getting more into heels now though, too

32. Pets? I miss my fatty I really miss my cat now. I wish I still had him :( He would make this deployment not so lonely

33. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? Same old same old here We're halfway through the deployment

34. What did you want to be when you were little? lawyer

35. What did you want to be when you were a teenager? ruler of the world

36. What are you now? broke college student EMT-basic (grunt)

37. What is your favorite profession and why? nurse... cuz I want to be one eventually So I've basically been wasting 2.5 years

38. What are you most proud of? I got my EMT license HAH. silly leah. EMT license. Actually, sad to say it, I'm not proud of anything, really.

39. What is your greatest accomplishment? don't have one yet, really I don't have a nice way of putting it. 12/22/06

40. What is your favorite candy? Twizlers Not a fan of candy at all anymore

41. What is your favorite flower? tulips! The kind in the ground or a pot

42. Your favorite color? black Twilight

43. Where is the furthest you have ever been from home? Cali Weird, Cali is "home" now. I don't have anywhere I've been far from home now
44. A small thing you really enjoy? Rain, thunder, and lightening Puppies
45. What annoys you the most? people who are not compassionate This deployment, my impatience...

46. What spices do you most often use in cooking? um... cinnamon? I still don't cook.

47. White wine or red wine? I'm allergic to red, so, white. Didn't change; although I don't really drink anymore

48. Your biggest regret? not going to IU straight out of high school and sticking with the nursing major Not finishing college, getting into credit card debt, and generally wasting my life

49. Your best advice? Be kind even if the other doesn't deserve it Make a list of everything you're grateful for

50. If you could start over again what would you do differently? see # 48 haha, that's the same

51. Where are you right now? the union at school not studying like I'm supposed to be doing. In my room, on my bed, wondering if Keith will call and NOT studying, like I'm supposed to be doing.

I guess I haven't changed as much as I'd like to think I have.

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06 January 2009 @ 11:34 pm

2008 meme

( survey queen )

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06 January 2009 @ 11:24 pm

Keith don't read this one..

( ... at least not til you get back because you don't need to hear me whine )

I miss you.

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31 December 2008 @ 11:58 pm

(no subject)

I realize I have ridiculous ways of dealing with things. This blog is one of them. I mostly write when I need to have someone listen to me, but in reality, besides Keith, I don't have anyone.
I thought this deployment would go so much better than it has. I thought it'd be a time to reconnect with friends and family. But I've found out that people I thought were good friends really aren't. I've found out that we've become more self-centered as we get older. I've found that I'm really not a very important part in people's lives. I have Keith so I tell myself I don't really care, but I do very much.
I know that I don't make it easy. Especially during this deployment it's incredible hard to to talk to people. I feel like I'm annoying them because I want to talk about Keith, but when the biggest part of your world is missing it seems like talking about him brings him back a little more.
The problems at home are becoming harder to deal with. They've always been there, but as an adult I now have to find the self-control to ignore them because there's absolutely nothing I can do about them.
My other defense mechanism: I think of all the things I want to say to someone I'm mad at and all their possible reactions. But by the time I actually get to talk to the person I am mad at I either chicken out (most common cause-- I wish I wasn't so weak) or have worked out some imaginary compromise in my head. Which is a problem because I don't address things that need to be addressed and I spend alot of time thinking negative thoughts. ick.
I think I need to just sleep.

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07 December 2008 @ 12:52 am

Better

So I've been feeling MUCH better lately. Kathi (woman who let me live with her and her family in Phoenix) came in for a short weekend and we got to talking about my family. She helped me figure out my dad. Basically she told my dad I need quality time with my parents and she told me my dad pretty much needs to be needed. In other words, my dad likes to help out which is obviousl because I'm 25 and live at home rent-free. Does it get more generous than that? Anyway, so knowing that my dad likes to help out and that I was WAY overstressed about term papers and exams and stuff I asked my dad to help. I swear the only reason I made it through last week was because he helped me. I aced my map exam that he helped me study for and hopefully did ok on my term papers-- dad proofread for me.
Kathi also pointed out that I have a lot to be grateful for. I have the opportunity to get really really stinking close to finishing my degree, pay down alot of my debt, and have time to reconnect with my family. Not to mention that I married the man I waited my whole life for. Life is good. Even if it's not perfect.

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30 November 2008 @ 09:24 pm

I don't care if no one rads this... I need to write

Becky and I were talking a while back and she said something to the effect of, "Well, I know the weather really affects you[r mood]." And I thought (might have even said, "no it doesn't. I was just really depressed before and I'm better now, so I should be good this winter."
But now winter is here and I feel like I'm going to freaking burst. I don't know for sure if it's the weather. Or my husband being gone. Or that even though I am in a house full of people I am ALWAYS alone.
I never realized how little attention my parents paid to our lives. My parents didn't know any of my friend's names other than Lisa or Nikki because they were over all the time (and causing trouble) when we lived in Tinley. They are completely oblivious to any friends I made after we moved. So now, when I talk about my friends in high school and I act like they've met them before (because they had) they are clueless. They always say that they tried to not be over-bearing but in doing so went the complete opposite and don't know anything about me or my brother. Just our attitudes. It makes me so angry because what parents don't care enough about their kids to know who their friends are?
So anyway, I feel like my parents are glad to have my presence in the house, but still ignore me. I try to talk to them about stuff but mom is always too pre-occupied with shopping or the fucking TV (I HATE HATE HATE tv now) to hold a conversation and my dad is either working or seems completely uncomfortable if I talk about how I feel.
I can't talk to Keith because I feel like I'm bringing him down and I don't want to make it harder for him than it already is. And I've come to the conclusion that I must be uncomfortable to be around because absolutely none of my friends call me or return phone calls so making plans is therefore impossible.
I know I suck at being a friend. I don't mean to. I just didn't have much to learn from at home. Mom keeps to herself (she has like one friend) and so I never had a mom's influence. I just modeled myself after my dad. Which also explains why I can't shop or dress like a woman.
I just feel like I'm going to cry at every little thing and it's just because I'm so damn lonely I can't stand it. But I don't know how to fix it either.

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11 November 2008 @ 11:15 pm

(no subject)

I feel bipolar. Not really. But it seems like my mood and motivation are dependant on the sun. When I was in California I was happy all the time (ok that might have had more to do with the fact that Keith was there)-- and I definitely had a bad day now and then, but not like this.
I don't know if it's being back at home, or just the stupid weather, but I've lost all my motivation to do everything. Work, school, going to the gym, hanging out with friends... don't want to do any of it. But when the sun is out-- I'll do it all. It's so frustrating.
I so desperately want to have good friends, too. People I can call regularly, talk and just be me around. Mostly I just feel awkward around the people I've known for a long time.
It's weird, too. I'm most myself with Keith. But I've also let people at work see my goofy side, which most people don't see. I'm usually alot more ... reserved (??) and act like stupid, even ditzy around people I've known for a long time. I think it's because I know that I will not be friends with the people I work with and I will only be with them for a few more months, so who cares what they think.

I don't know. All I know is I just miss keith

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27 October 2008 @ 12:30 am

(no subject)

old women who stand around naked in the locker room and just chit chat creep me out. that is all.

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18 October 2008 @ 01:13 am

ewww

I just went and found out the nutritional values for the fast food i eat. I'm never eating at fast food again-- not only is it expensive (for what you pay for), but I typically eat 1,000+ calories in one meal. OMG. I eat almost 1500 calories at subway and I thought going to subway was better!

Ick.

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14 October 2008 @ 01:34 am

how about...

I go to sleep and when I wake up it's May.

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09 October 2008 @ 09:22 pm

(no subject)

So Keith is in Iraq. At least, I think he is-- I haven't talked to him much since he left.
I was really proud of myself. I promised him that I wouldn't cry when he left and I kept my word. The second I walked away from him, however, I was a mess. I put myself back together, ran errands, then caught my flight. As my plane was taxi-ing (no idea how to spell that) down the runway I started crying again.
I miss Keith more than anything. I miss having him to talk to or text whenever I want. I am so incredibly blessed to be married to my best friend. I have never been so comfortable being me around anyone else. He totally accepts me for everything I am-- whether I'm at my best or the moments when I am embarrassed of how awful I act. Either way he loves me unconditionally and never judging. I worry that I take him for granted, but somehow everyday I am reminded how lucky I am to have him in my life and I can only hope he understands how sincerely I mean it when I tell him he's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I worry, too. I wish I would've told him to stay home when he had the opportunity. Logically, I know that Iraq has become safer, he is in a more protected vehicle, and he's been there once already, so he knows what to expect; but, emotionally, I panic. I am so scared of losing him. I never knew that I could actually be happy day-to-day. I never knew that life wasn't really all that hard. I never knew that someone could accept you completely for who you are. I never thought it was possible for anyone to love me for just me-- flaws and all. He's made me see that even when I have my moments there are many more times when I am so much more than that. I am terrified of losing that love.

I was a major bitch yesterday (as my trend has been lately) so my poor partner had SB (a woman on another ambulance) talk to me. She's in the army and I felt comfortable talking to her. It seemed comforting to talk to someone who knows how it is. She's been to Iraq and so had most of her family (mom, dad, brother, nephew-- it's a family deal apparently). I was starting to feel better until her partner came over and said,"Hopefully yours [husband] will come home because mine didn't." So the panicking continued.
I was only able to talk to him for 3 mins and 47 seconds yesterday. Enough to find out where he was and that he was ok. I didn't get to talk to him about how worried I am, but I wonder if I should just voice that to others because I don't want him to worry about me worrying about him. I know he worries about me.

But what if we did make the wrong decision and he should have stayed here? I'd die if anything happened to him. I need him.

I met one of the wives as we were saying our goodbyes on tuesday. She's really nice and I'm glad I met her. I talked to her yesterday and today-- I think we're both going through the same things. It helps to know that it's normal to feel like I do. I am scared though because I had no motivation to do anything today. I forced myself to go to class and run a few errands, but then I came home and slept for 4 hours. I'm hoping that I'm sleeping because it was a physically (moving my apartment) and emotionally draining week on very little sleep. I'm hoping that soon I'll fall back into my routine. But more than anything I'm hoping he'll call soon. I panic that I missed his call if I don't have my phone in my pocket. Hopefully once he gets to Iraq (if he's not there already) we'll be able to talk regularly.

If there is one positive thing that comes out of this it's that I've realized that I actually do have a decent amount of friends that really truly care about me and I am very grateful for that. So thanks for listening to me vent.

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18 September 2008 @ 04:17 pm

Yesterday I was 12

So yesterday in between calls we stopped at a Wendy's** so I could grab something. The guys weren't getting anything so they just waited in the ambulance. Anyway, I'm at the counter when one of the cooks comes up and says, "are you driving that ambulance?". I shouldn't have been as confused as I was, but I was having a Leah moment: "Um, what?" He repeated, "You drivin that ambulance?" Finally I think I understood him and may have uttered "yeah" or he figured it out anyway (I was in uniform, afterall). "You can't be driving that thing, you look 12. You ain't old enough." My gracious answer: "I turn 25 next week?" I guess I forget my manners when I'm confused.
I think the only reason I may look "12" (I'm sure he didn't mean literally 12, but just not old enough to be on an ambulance) is that I have acne like a 12-year-old. It's ridiculous. It also may not have helped that I was paying for my jr. bacon cheeseburger and chili with quarters because I left my debit card at home... oops. lol anyway. I'll take it as a compliment.

**I had eaten my 2 sandwhiches and snacks and was STILL hungry-- apparently I was also a cow yesterday

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18 September 2008 @ 10:05 am

A question for you...

At work my partner calls all of our female patients "sweetie" and all of the male patients "champ" or "buddy". I get really annoyed by it. If you were a patient would you mind? Or am I just ... uptight?

( What I think... )

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13 September 2008 @ 05:36 pm

(no subject)

It annoys me that my mom dislikes McCain because he and his first wife divorced. She said he dumped her after her accident. But did she forget that he was a Prisoner of War? She dismissed that quickly and still blamed him. The man went through something no one should ever go through. I mean, do you think you would be the same person if you were beaten and tortured every two hours for weeks? I'm thinking not. Spending 5 and a half years in enemy hands and being maltreated? I'm sure by then you'd even forget who you were to begin with.
It just makes me mad that there are people that think that everyone always has to be the stronger person. I feel that she's essentially saying McCain should've been superman and solved the marriage problems. Sorry, but he was dealing with alot of things within himself.
Besides that, it was almost 30 years ago and if McCain's ex-wife is over it, then shouldn't people quit judging him for it?

I'm so frustrated.

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31 August 2008 @ 07:21 pm

(no subject)

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22 July 2008 @ 09:04 pm

(no subject)

we use alot of the same equipment in my hospital as the stuff in Greys anatomy. Which makes me wonder if it's just that popular or just that cheap-- i;m assuming they don't spring for the best when using props.

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20 July 2008 @ 04:28 pm

(no subject)

I move back in 3 weeks. This has caused so much anxiety that I have a rash. I so wish I was exaggerating. I itch. alot.

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24 June 2008 @ 01:17 pm

I need to say this... it's been a long time coming.

This is in response to an acquaintence's photo on Flickr:

"The Cost of War"

I say this in the most respectful way possible...

These men signed up to serve their country. They understand the cost. My husband and I understand that it is a very real possibility that he may be hurt or killed in this war. But my Marine goes anyway because he loves his country and believes in what he does.
Going to a Marine's memorial service is incredibly hard. Meeting the widow of your husband's buddy is hard. Worrying the entire time they are deployed dances on insanity. But, nothing worth anything is easy-- this is something the US Marine Corps (US Air Force, Army and Navy) completely, whole-heartedly understand.
So, if you want to support your troops, don't talk about sending them home. They don't want to do their job so that it is only "good enough". It looks bad on them and on us as a nation. They want to finish their mission. Support them until the job is done. Take care of them overseas and at home.

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